I Remember Mama: One Man And Boy’s Odyssey Through Abuse

Data clearly and consistently show that mothers abuse their children more frequently than fathers. Yet we seem generally unconcerned about maternal abuse, often telling the male victims who have been hurt by their mothers to “suck it up” and “take it like a man.”
By @drRhymes |
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    7498339172_a7c6b5f3c6_kWriter’s note: I wrote a piece last week on domestic abuse and was ready to move on to another subject. It seems that although I thought I was done with the topic, the topic was not done with me.

    Born in the 1960s to a 14-year-old mother, I am one of those individuals who came into the world at a time when the word “Negro” was still being placed on birth certificates. Without the requisite skills or resources to care for her child, the tiny bundle with asthma, I was placed in a foster home and there I stayed for the first six years of my life. It was a wonderful family and I was reared in an atmosphere of kindness, responsibility and love. Although my foster parents very much wanted to adopt me, they acquiesced to my mother’s desire to regain custody.

    I left a secure home where I was the youngest of eight to live as an only child with a mother who was still a stranger to me, even despite her frequent visits while I lived with my foster family. It seemed to have not crossed her mind that I would require some time and help in acclimating to this reality-jarring change.



    The newness and the ecstasy of having the child she had waited so long for lasted for a little while — just a little while. What followed was a childhood scarred by psychological, emotional and physical abuse. When I was as young as seven, my mother had introduced me to phrases such as, “I hate you,” “I can’t stand you,” and “You make me sick.” Beginning at a tender age, my body was frequently visited with blows from her fists, the backs of her hands and even her feet. My mother, who was not a small woman, would sometimes knock me to the ground, press her knee into my chest and pummel me with punch after punch. There were times when family members would have to pull her off me.

    While I was being physically assaulted, and even when I wasn’t, verbal abuse (which included blaming me for her drinking problem) was an ever-present feature in my mother’s communications with me. At eight years old, I had an epiphany (a memory still deeply etched in my mind): Her view of me would not be my view of myself. It was liberating in that even though the abuse didn’t stop, my spirit survived.

    Let me be clear, though: I wasn’t without human refuge. My favorite uncle and maternal grandmother did what they could to help me and I honor their devotion to me.

    The, oft-times, excruciating journey of my childhood still, to this day, evokes a deep emotional response among those in my family who lament that they could have and should have done more to protect me. Yet I and many other men who have travelled this same agonizing road are told that our narrative is trivial because we are men and because we were abused by our mothers. This attitude is bewildering and perplexing in light of the very consistent data that tells us that in America stories of abuse at the hands of a mother are more common than those involving paternal abuse.

     

    The pain, by the numbers

    Department of Health and Human Services statistics show that from 2001 to 2006, of the children who were abused by one parent, approximately 71 percent were abused by their mothers, while 29.4 percent were abused by their fathers. The report goes on to state that of children who died at the hands of one parent during that same five-year period, approximately 71 percent were killed by their mothers, while 29.2 percent were killed by their fathers

    Moving to the 2009 DHHS report, the percentages for child fatalities committed by parents breaks down like so: 22.5% by both parents, 14.8% committed by fathers alone and 27.3 percent were perpetrated by the mother alone.

    In still another DHHS report from 2012, we find that 27.1 percent of child deaths resulting from abuse or neglect were committed by the mother, compared to 17.1 percent committed by fathers. Mothers and fathers acting together accounted for 21.2 percent of child deaths.

    We also see that of the 2.9 million child abuse cases in 2012, 45.3 percent of the perpetrators were male, but 53.5 percent were female. This same report points out that although abuse inflicted upon boys and girls was fairly even, boys constituted approximately 60 percent of those who are killed as a result of abuse or neglect. All of this tells us that for quite some time the numbers point to maternal child abuse being predominant and yet the images we have chosen to highlight the issue is a battered child cowering in a corner with a brooding and belligerent father hovering over her.

    Let’s also consider this: In the wake of the Adrian Peterson child abuse allegations, it was his mother who stepped forward and said Peterson was doing what she raised him to do. My point here isn’t whether one agrees or disagrees with his parenting methods, but that the response would have been quite different had Mr. Peterson’s father been the one who came forward and said, “That’s how I reared my son.” Can we honestly say that wouldn’t have been offered up as proof positive of how abusive men are?

    There is a great deal of understanding we extend to women and girls who have been abused who then, in turn, engage in inappropriate and abusive behavior. Its an understanding, however, that abused men and boys, who do likewise, don’t equally enjoy.

    So what do we tell the millions of boys and girls abused by their mothers or women? Do we say, “Your pain is persona non grata because somehow it’s not as bad when Mommy abuses you?” This is domestic violence at its most tragic, and yet we continue to either excuse or ignore 53.5 percent of the perpetrators; 53.5 percent of the problem. This traps men and boys in a purgatory of pain aided and abetted by the destructive gender stereotype employed by men and women alike: “He’s a guy, he can take it.”

    It’s time to stop treating the abuse of boys and men as some sort of competing narrative when it comes to domestic and intimate partner violence. Simply put, abuse hurts, no matter who is being abused. The outward scars; the inner wounds don’t discriminate according to gender. To be continually told that my (our) hurt is negligible because more women are hurting than men is not only callous, it’s unacceptable. It’s like telling someone who’s lost a child that they have no right to grieve because a person who lives down the street lost three. While it may be true, it does nothing to diminish that person’s pain.

    Domestic violence and abuse against boys and men is not a kind of imaginary or ginned-up specter like voting fraud where one has a better chance of being struck by lightning than it occurring. No, something that occurs every 38 seconds and includes approximately 840,000 men and affects 1.5 million children cannot be considered as some random occurrence. To those who would try to squash my all-too-familiar narrative: Your pain doesn’t cancel out mine and your legitimate grievances don’t render mine illegitimate. You don’t get to tell me where my hurting begins and ends, nor do you get to construct the boundaries for its rightful expression.

    Is sympathy and empathy for the suffering of abuse victims to be decided by a flip of a coin? Did women and girls win some sort of psychological and emotional version of The Hunger Games that allows only one tribe to lay claim to the “prize” of compassion? If that is indeed the case then we are not serious about dealing with domestic violence. And if we are not serious, we have revealed that it is not reformation in our relationships that we seek, but rather retribution.

     

    Meet Erin Pizzey

    Erin Pizzey is not a household name, but in domestic violence activism circles, she is somewhat of a legend and pioneer. She established the world’s first refuge for battered women in 1971, Chiswick Women’s Aid, the organization known today as Refuge. She also wrote the groundbreaking book, “Scream Quietly or the Neighbours Will Hear.” Published in 1974, it is considered to be the first book written on domestic violence against women.

    Today, Pizzey is demonized by most in the feminist movement and banned from the very organization that she founded. And what was her unforgivable transgression? Her research led her to the conclusion that most domestic violence is reciprocal, and that women are equally as capable of violence as men.

    In her essay, “Who’s Failing the Family,” she states, “I was very aware that while many of the women were indeed ‘innocent victims of their partner’s violence,’ many were not. Of the first hundred women that came into my refuge, sixty two were as violent as the men they left. They were not ‘victims of their partner’s violence.’ They were ‘victims of their own violence.’ Most of these women had experienced sexual abuse and violence in their own childhoods. Not only were they violent in the refuge but they were also violent and abusive to their children. “

    As a result of her findings, Pizzey shifted her focus from a strictly “female as victim” treatment model to that of a holistic, therapeutic family approach.

    In countless interviews Pizzey has spoken of being subjected to a campaign of harassment. She has described posses of screaming female hecklers waiting for her anywhere she was meant to appear. Further, she said, “Abusive telephone calls to my home, death threats and bomb scares, became a way of living for me and for my family. Finally, the bomb squad asked me to have all my mail delivered to their headquarters.”

    Her bona fides on the issue of domestic violence are well established, yet Pizzey’s ordeal shows that we are repeatedly being asked to enter a conversation on domestic violence in which the conclusions are already drawn, certain assumptions fixed and the parameters of the dialogue already set.

     

    Definitely not one size fits all

    We have lost so much by making domestic and intimate partner violence only about the extremes and about size and strength differential. Then again, we are a society of sensationalists whose attention can only be drawn to extreme cases. We gravitate toward the incidents that explode on social media or those that run in seemingly endless loops courtesy of the mainstream media. But in doing so we fail to realize, again and again, that it is what happens during the course of our everyday lives that leads to the severe.

    Women fought for years to get the American public to understand that rape isn’t fundamentally about sex, but about control and dominance. Yet by primarily focusing on domestic violence as merely a matter of physical size and strength, we make it only about men. The shattering of trust and the inflicting of pain is not a province where only the male of the species dwells. A strategy that says we only need to have a sit-down with men when it comes to issue of domestic violence is a tragically flawed strategy.

    The “success” of this abuse lies primarily in what women and men, both, expect from men: men don’t talk; men won’t tell. All abuse is usually shrouded in some sort of secrecy, but this concealment is exacerbated for men because of the notions of manhood that have been drilled into our consciousness by our fathers, and yes, our mothers alike.

    The constant denial of the data and the excusing of abusive behavior dehumanizes and makes caricatures of women. How so, you ask? To be fully human means that one is equally capable of being hurt and being hurtful. There are too many men and boys — this one included — who can say, “I’ve been abused and it was my mother who did it,” and that pain cannot be denied, silenced or ignored. The battered, bruised and deprived bodies of the innocents; the tiny corpses tell the story that we, apparently, dare not tell.

     

    Talking to the boy

    From my mother I inherited my looks, the foundation of my sense of humor and my work ethic (before she fell sick she could be a tireless worker). She was capable of genuine acts of kindness. She could be charming and downright gregarious. There were flashes of the better mother and person she could have been toward me. Those flashes, however, were greatly offset by an overall hostility, indifference to the pain inflicted and rage.

    And at the end of the day, that’s the most brutal “triumph” of abuse: In the abuser there can be an authentically better person that just doesn’t completely surface. So the child can’t trust their smile because too many times that smile was followed by a cruel snarl. The child can’t believe in their loving touch because they know, all too well, the sting of the abusive blows that same hand could deliver.

    In my lifetime I’ve occupied spaces that are considered testosterone-only domains: I played college football, enlisted in the Marines, was a high school football coach, worked with former and current NFL players and had been, at one time, a rock solid 6’1” 250 lbs. Yes, I lifted heavy weights, but I couldn’t, in and of myself, lift the heaviness of the abuse I had suffered. This isn’t difficult to understand, because after that lightning-strike of revelation in my eight-year-old mind, there were many times when I refused, in defiance, to cry. I refused to acknowledge that my mother could hurt me.

    So I let the pain sit like the proverbial unacknowledged elephant in the room. Yet as time went on, I began to realize a freeing truth: That which helps us survive at one point in our lives, can be the very thing that prevents the catharsis we need at another stage. In other words, we have to remove the tourniquet in order for the surgeon to do his work.

    One day came, however, when I started walking down the road of healing and deliverance.  I am now many miles and many years from where and when it all began. I’m free of the bitterness, but I still carry the wounds. I once thought that the man I am must reach back to the boy I was, but I have found that to be untrue. It is the boy, that eight-year-old boy, who calls to the man. He tells the man, “It wasn’t our fault. It’s Ok to cry.” The man has wondered many times, “Why all the suffering?,” but the boy tells him to use it to help others. The boy urges me: “Come out the shadows and tell our story.” I’ve come to cherish my conversations with him. Without the radiant sun of hope rising on the horizon of his young spirit, I wouldn’t be the man that I am today.  He, my faith and the love of a wonderful wife have helped to heal the once unspoken pain, the undeclared hurt.

    This issue includes my individual story and suffering, and yet the issue is also larger than just that. It doesn’t matter who will or who won’t acknowledge my pain and my experience, you see, because I hear the boy.

    The views expressed in this article are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect Mint Press News editorial policy.

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    • helen Thomas

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    • elena

      I just recently had a social worker say the same thing to me, referring to when she was working as a counselor early on with foster kids and most of them were abused by their mother but still cried for ‘mommy’ despite the fact that she was their abuser (underlining how natural it is for children to bond with parents, operative whether abusive or not). Having spent my whole life trying to understand the brutal sexual abuse of myself by my father and two other perpetrators and my mother’s voluntary blindness to it all I have come to the conclusion that while humans have evolved in terms of tool-making (technology), the only cultures in which we adequately raised children were hunter-gatherers and that in fact dismal changes have taken place in human parenting culture since agriculture and animal husbandry became our modes of survival. Agriculture landed us on one plot, if we were lucky, and subjected us to much more physical labor, paving the way for us to believe it is actually normal to ‘work’ the amount of hours a capitalistic culture demands of us, giving precious few hours to our families. Animal husbandry seems to be the worst offender since it forced us to brutalize and kill beings we had developed emotional relationships with, to the point where we actually began to mutilate the genitalia of our own children, definitely an offshoot of animal husbandry practices that devolved into the circumcision practiced by Abrahamic cults and FGM practiced in MENA countries (and countries of immigration for muslim and other desert tribes).

      There is one inescapable conclusion I have come to in all this time: that the “parenting” that modern humans practice is woefully inadequate. What does it say about human culture that the pygmy tribes in Africa some of the most competent and loving parents on the planet? Agriculture greatly increased the amount of children women bore, and yet women with economic and reproductive freedom tend to have few children and space them apart in age which is clearly what nature intended. The violence that animal husbandry contributed to humanity along with the extreme patriarchal and racist slant cannot be denied, it appears male humans began to model human behavior after ungulates rather than the primates we actually are (which is why the bull is such a potent though inaccurate symbol in so many countries), and it is clear females began to be bred as livestock, rather than primates with reproductive will, so that the offspring characteristics were in complete control of dominant males (read: racial/ethnic purity also endemic & insisted upon in all abrahamic cults from Judaism of antiquity to the Yazidi being rescued from Isis in the present).

      What does it all have to do with modern humans? In a nutshell, lack of maternal closeness due to too many offspring and too much external ‘work’ (not a slam on working mothers since many of the most abusive mothers are stay at home moms) causing sex addiction in males in particular, which translates into personality disorder in the females that they abuse, which results in addiction and abusive behavior in females as well. In essence, inadequate parenting leads to addictive behaviors, personality disorders, and problems with controlling anger IN ALL HUMANS MALE OR FEMALE. Male children parented inadequately develop sex addiction (present on both sides of my family) which predisposes them to rape and molest female AND male children, which causes personality disorder in them and sets them up to be inadequate parents. Add to that the other failures of human culture such as circumcision (the pain from which is trapped in the limbic system for life) and FGM (90 million girls in Africa have been victims of FGM, so that is 90 million cases of PTSD that we have unleashed on the world and probably the vast majority of these girls will end up being parents.

      Not to mention the fact that during all this cultural adaptation and change we really seem have come to believe that to parent means to control and punish (usually corporally which is almost always a disaster for the child and society) rather than to love and nurture. In short, through so-called human intellectual ‘evolution’ we have lost our own humanity. Thanks to movements like attachment parenting, etc, we are slowly and incrementally trying to regain what we have lost to scientism and religionism.

      I am very sorry that you suffered so greatly at the hands of a mentally ill mother. I suffered thusly at the hands of a mentally ill father and a mother who was so economically desperate she pretended not to notice what was going on or told me it was my fault. One thing is clear, it is not a man/woman us vs. them thing, it is a HUMAN thing, this all shows that all of us whether male or female are damaged by brutality and neglect. To presuppose that a female child brutalized sexually will somehow be an adequate parent is preposterous and only underscores the beliefs of the perpetrators that their sexual use of children is without consequence. Abused girls many times grow up to be absolutely ROTTEN mothers. Abused boys as well many times grow up to be ROTTEN fathers. Those who are exceptions and cry foul at this presupposition really need to get over themselves and clear the way for society to clean up this mess.

    • anonymous

      I appreciate your experience as a child. This kind of abuse, no matter which gender is delivering it, is a travesty to life.

      In citing your statistics that 71% of abusers are female, you have failed to mention that MOST males abandon the family and, therefore, their statistics for abuse are, indeed, much lower (29% as you note). One cannot be abused by someone who is not there, can they? And, since most males abandon the female as a parent, of course the statistics for abuse would be skewed toward the female.

      Did you ever meet or know your father? Do you know what he was like? Hhhhmmm. Perhaps you might reflect on a male who would impregnate a 14 year old and then just walk off, leaving her to her own devices. You also do not mention the fact that many girls of the age your mother was are also simply abused, sexually used, and then abandoned. Her self-esteem may well have come from your own father.

      So, before you try to “rebalance” the picture to sway it toward females as primary abusers of their children, try taking a macro-level view and then ask yourself why that is so. Most females are simply considered prostitutes for male desires. Women, in general, suffer from grotesquely low levels of self-esteem because of their role with males.
      And who, but their own children, do they take that out on? Certainly not the males who use and abandon them.

      I appreciate your article, but find a HUGE amount missing in it. How do you feel about your father? Did you ever know him? How is it for you to know he abandoned you, just like your mother? I think you may have more in common with her than you might think at first brush.

      • Edward Rhymes

        I usually don’t get involved in the on-line discussions because, I sometimes find them juvenile and irrelevant. How do you presume to know anything about my life other than what I have posted? And please don’t tell me your answer to the father not being there is the mother HAS to abuse the child. And somehow, my mother making the decision to assault and abuse me is some man’s fault, but if I did the exact same thing it’s all on me? My mother and father consented to have sex – they were the same age, but what does a child consent to? You have revealed that your sensitivity to pain is mired in a gender-driven perspective that doesn’t make mothers or women responsible for their actions the same way fathers and men are. In my work I’ve helped men and women alike who have been abused. And in your reality, however, it’s the child that loses. I’ll leave it here as I did in my piece: It doesn’t matter who will or who won’t acknowledge my pain and my experience, you see, because I hear the boy.

      • Eugene Jackson

        Are you serious? A man talks about being abused and that’s where you go? Is your thinking that he was abandoned driven by some racial stereotype? His father could have been killed or died, why did you automatically jump to his father must have left him? Just can’t say: you know, mother or father, makes no difference abuse is abuse. Unreal.